Light One Small Candle

Sunset at Tybee Island

2011-09-10T21:15:00.000-04:00

Tybee Island is one of my favorite places!

Here's a picture of the sunset on the "back river". How blessed I was to be able to spend a few days there this summer! I was able to see the sunrise over the ocean, and then, after a day of soaking up the sun, reading, walking on the beach, and, in general, feeling absolutely RELAXED, finish the day watching this beautiful sunset.

Here are a couple more of my favorite pictures from that trip.

The sea grass is beautiful.......... even if my camera was not quite in focus!

If you look VERY closely in the bottom right of this picture, you'll see a fiddler crab digging his way back under the sand. This fellow actually looked right at me for a good 30 seconds, until I moved to snap the picture.

Lastly, the beauty of the sunset relfected in the water. Ahhhhhhhhhh, no that is the way to end an evening!

dreams

2011-08-09T21:02:00.001-04:00

dream, a photo by jillallyn on Flickr.

Who knows where their dreams will take them?

I haven't been blogging in a while, but I've been finding a long-ago lost dream of mine awakening within me.

What a surprise!

For too many reasons to mention here, my dreams of attending college fizzled and disappeared a long, long time ago.

All of a sudden, I find a voice whispering inside of me, saying "why don't I try?"

Why not? Well, I can think of lots of reasons! But, an insistent voice keeps whispering..... "maybe you can!"

It'll be a long road to travel before I can (maybe?!) step into a classroom again as a student.

Meanwhile, I plan to cherish the journey to a childhood dream........ one step at a time.

It IS OK to dream!

"You are my parachute. . ."

2011-05-26T21:36:00.003-04:00

Skydiving, a photo by aria anthony on Flickr.

I invite you to follow me to VELVETEEN RABBI to read an amazing poem, based in part on Psalm 23. (Just click on the link!)

I've been so energized by this poem. It's called "PSALM OF THE SKY for those who dwell in uncertainty". I so appreciate the sense of joyful trust in God that I find in this poem. It's just what I needed this week.
Thank you, Rachel, for your permission to post this link!

Choose Life........

2011-02-15T22:02:00.002-05:00

No, this is not a post about the "pro-life vs. pro-choice" debate!

This is about CHOOSING the thoughts, attitudes, and actions that will bring LIFE to my little corner of the world.

I received these little "Live, Love, Laugh" vases as a Christmas gift. Today I finally took a few moments to buy silk flowers for the vases, and display them on my kitchen table.

Every once in a while a phrase in a Sunday sermon reaches out and grabs me, and stays with me all week. This was one of those Sundays. "Choose life" was the phrase that has captured my imagination. If my thoughts, words, and actions reflect love....... love for God, for MYSELF (why is that often so hard?), and for others...... then I'm making a choice for life..... abundant life. No, not the abundance of money and THINGS, but an abundance of inner joy, peace, and yes..... laughter.

Just for today, I'll choose life.

Color my world with hope

2011-02-12T18:41:00.001-05:00

Colours
Originally uploaded by Jinu Martin (Busy)

Have I ever mentioned on this blog that I've found much hope in life through the 12 Steps?

Someone shared that their recovery program "colored her world with hope". That little sentence has been bouncing around in my head ever since. And, to go with that, there's the Chicago song (I know, I'm showing my age!) "Colour my World".

I've heard it said that addictions of all kinds are a way of shutting out the pain of life. I'm so grateful that I've been enabled to face the pain, learn what I did to cause it, and learn a new way to live my life.

Faith has always been a part of my life, and for that I'm so grateful. The 12 Steps have shown me how to put that faith into action. What a difference!

This little light of mine........

2011-01-06T21:29:00.001-05:00

bright lights
Originally uploaded by DM 909

Today is Epiphany, and I'm so grateful for light in my life today.

"This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.........."

I just LOVE to watch children sing that song!

Over the years, I've come to realize that God's light shines brightest through the broken places in our lives. Yes, even (or maybe ESPECIALLY!) through the brokenness, "let it shine, let it shine, let it shine".

Snowflakes!

2010-12-26T23:06:00.003-05:00

Snowflakes!
Originally uploaded by nutmeg66

I actually had the pleasure of being outside and enjoying some snow flurries today! I live in the South, so snowflakes are indeed a treat! Nothing stuck, but oh what magic to step out of the shopping mall (yes, I braved the crowds to get my half-price calendars!) into the joyful dancing snow flurries, big flakes that stayed on the car for a bit before melting away. Pure magic, and what a lift to my spirit after spending too much time in the mall. Ah, if only I had my camera with me........ by the time I got home, the snow had stopped. What's the next best thing to my own photo? This wonderful photo-share from Flickr, of course! :)

If you look for me......................

2010-12-18T20:35:00.002-05:00

I received this via a forwarded e-mail, so I'm not sure of the source. The message, however, is just what I need this Advent season! So, of course, I'll share it with you.

IF YOU LOOK FOR ME AT CHRISTMAS,
You won't need a special star ---
I'm no longer just in Bethlehem,
I'm right there where you are.
You may not be aware of Me
amid the celebrations ---
You'll have to look beyond the stores
and all the decorations.
But if you take a moment
from your list of things to do
And listen to your heart, you'll find
I'm waiting there for you.
You're the one I want to be with.
you're the reason that I came,
And you'll find Me in the stillness
as I'm whispering your name.
Love,
Jesus

Advent - new beginnings

2010-11-29T21:53:00.002-05:00

I find it hard to believe it's Advent again!

I can't get one sentence from yesterday's sermon out of my mind. "Every new beginning means that something has ended."

I've been turning that around in my head, and I realized that every ending also marks the chance for a new beginning.

Another similar saying: "Every time a door closes, another door opens.... but navigating the hallway can be TOUGH!"

So, here I am, thinking about endings and beginnings......... finally able to look back with gratitude instead of angst. Perhaps soon I'll catch a glimpse of the new beginning waiting just down the hall. Meanwhile, I'm grateful for the light in the hallway!

With a heart of thanksgiving,

2010-11-25T20:12:00.001-05:00

With a heart of thanksgiving,
Originally uploaded by JojoDee

Thanksgiving --

It's Thanksgiving, and I'm so grateful for life.

I'm grateful that my daughter invited two friends to join us for Thanksgiving today. What a blessing to have friends around the table with us!

I have another friend who is having a difficult Thanksgiving, because her daughter passed away last week. I cannot imagine how she's getting through the day. I called her today to let her know I was thinking of her. I hope the call helped in some small way.

My daughter and I made our Thanksgiving lefse this morning. Lefse is a Norwegian flat bread made from potato dough rolled out thin, like a tortilla. It didn't turn out perfect. I hope I will remember my daughter's advice. She told me that I get too stressed out and take things too seriously. I'd have much more fun if I LAUGHED because it wasn't turning out perfect. I'd say she's a pretty smart lady!

Yes, I'm blessed this Thanksgiving. May you be blessed, too.

Homer's Odyssey - recommended listening/ reading!

2010-11-21T20:20:00.003-05:00

Posting about my cats reminded me that I needed to update my Shelfari list.

I spend almost 1/2 hour each way driving to work, so I often listen to audiobooks. I'm such a fan of my public library! I found "Homer's Odyssey". If you are a cat-lover, I absolutely recommend this book. This cat is blind, and his name is Homer. Listening to this book made my commuting time fly by!

Welcome to my Zoo!

2010-11-21T19:32:00.003-05:00

Well, my home is now a zoo!

My daughter, after taking a year off of college, has moved back home so that she can work less and give her all to college beginning in January! Hooray!

The pets ARE a challenge! You see, I have one elderly dog and two cats. The cats have known my dog Megan since they were kittens, and Megan is very CALM.

Shaggy and Shelby, who moved in with my daughter, are anything BUT calm! Imagine how furious my cats are to have their home invaded by dogs that want to PLAY with them!

My bedroom is now cat sanctuary, thank you very much! There's a baby gate up, and the cats have their routine pretty well set now. In the morning, when I asssure them that the dogs are either safely outside in the fenced yard or closed up in my daughter's room, the cats head outside for the day. Later, when I come home from work, they'll come around and wait patiently by the door while I get the dogs out of the way again. In the cats come, and directly to my bedroom.

Occasionally, one cat will decide to come into the living room, followed pretty quickly by excited dogs and a cat on top of the television armoire! Ah, maybe one day they'll get accustomed to each other...... or, maybe not.

Oh, and Shaggy is part lab, and LOVES to play with a ball! In fact, he has a tendency to DEMAND to play ball. He drops the ball in my lap, and then barks LOUDLY, looking at the ball then at my face, then barking again.... sigh. Thank goodness someone told me to just say NO, followed by a little spray of water if necessary. He's a smart dog..... after a couple of tries, he's learned that my no means NO. Oh, yes, I do take him out to the yard with the ball. What fun!

All I can say is, this Thanksgiving I am extremely thankful that my daughter wants to make her education a priority!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Heather T Memoirs: What does a dragonfly symbolize?

2010-08-30T23:39:00.001-04:00

Heather T Memoirs: What does a dragonfly symbolize?: "Yesterday, the boys and I went for a walk at one of our favorite places. While we were walking, the dragonflies continually shared their ..."

I just had to share this post about dragonflies!
The other day (a difficult day!) I heard a noise at my kitchen door. When I looked, what did I see but a dragonfly buzzing at the window pane in my door! That dragonfly brightened my day.

detour on the path of life

2010-08-30T23:31:00.001-04:00

detour on the path of life
Originally uploaded by johngpt

I've hit a detour in the road of life,
and the energy to write just isn't in me right now.
Just for today, I'm going to keep trusting that all will be well.
Funny thing about detours, they make me pay closer attention to the details of life......... no more "autopiloting" down roads I can almost drive with my eyes closed.
I've also heard that detours can lead to possibilities I never imagined.
With that in mind, I can smile.

Surprised by God..................

2010-07-20T23:04:00.001-04:00

Girl sitting reading book looking surprised.
Originally uploaded by vinyl_word

There's a new book on my Shelfari shelf.
I was wandering through the biography section of the library (have I told you how much I LOVE public libraries?) and this book practically jumped off the shelf calling my name. SURPRISED BY GOD is in large print, and then in small print.... How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Religion.

This book is the story of a young woman's spiritual journey from atheism to embracing faith. She and I do not practice the same religion, but I find myself focusing on what we have in common, rather than the ways in which we differ.

I, too, have been "surprised by God" over the course of my life. I haven't considered myself an atheist, but I have spent years in a depressed condition. The fact that I can really experience joy (and pain..... gotta take both!) in my life has been quite a surprise, for one. And yes, I do count it God's grace that has a hand in my recovery.

Every day, if I look for it with an open mind, I find some surprising bit of joy in my day. Yes, I'm grateful.

Feeling ALIVE

2010-06-13T08:10:00.004-04:00

YES STILL ALIVE!.................. (& with a quickie Photomatix / Photoshop Setting Tutorial!) :: HDR
Originally uploaded by Artie Photography :: Busy No need 2 comment :)

When asked how I'm feeling today, the only description I could think of was, "I'm feeling alive!".

Here are some other words:

joyous

grateful

free

Yesterday, I was able to make a few decisions that have been weighing me down for a while. I'm so grateful to be out of the fog of indecision and inaction. This is truly God's grace.

It's funny, even writing this I start to feel a tinge of fear. Will this feeling last? Did I make "wrong" decisions? Well, in answer to the first question "NO.... this, too, shall pass; that's OK. For right now, I choose to FEEL rather than to try to hold onto the feeling." In answer to the second question "Maybe, but making NO decision was DEFINITELY the wrong decision; and if I was wrong, then I'll deal with the consequences. It's OK."

Meanwhile, it's good to feel alive!

Gratitude- choosing my attitude

2010-06-06T08:25:00.001-04:00

Painting of Gratitude (HPPT)
Originally uploaded by jon.noj

I've gotta say that this "embracing solitude" is easy when I'm consciously choosing it. Yesterday, however, I took my car to the shop, prepared with a book to read while I waited for the work to be done.

Imagine my surprise when I was told that the 60,000 mile maintenance requires that the timing belt be changed out. I gulped and said, OK. (You see, I'm a recent convert to getting the scheduled maintenance done promptly instead of changing the oil and hoping for the best!)

OK, so, I would pull out the credit card. (That's a whole other post just simmering in my brain.) Then, when I was told it was an ALL DAY job, I realized I woud be spending the day at home with NO CAR, so no choice to go somewhere.

The funny thing is, I had planned to just stay home and get work done around the house yesterday. Not having the choice changed my state of mind somehow, though. I got a LITTLE bit of work done, but not much. To tell the truth, I pretty much moped around.

Today I realize that I DID have a choice............ not the choice to stay home or go off somewhere, but I could choose a different attitude. Somehow I didn't see that yesterday.

Today I'm choosing gratitude....... just for today. All I can handle is 24-hours at a time.

Check out Suan Isaac's blog!

2010-05-31T10:30:00.003-04:00

Here's a big THANK YOU to Jayne for her recommendation of the book "Angry Conversations With God", by Susan Isaacs. I could hardly put the book down! (It's on my Shelfari now, too!)

I decided to check out Susan's blog, Gray Matter, and what a wonderful surprise!

I'd especially like to recommend three of her recent posts:

"Kid with Aspergers interviews his mom" a real interview from PBS's Story Corp.

"Say YES AND" , recommended reading for anyone who has conversations about faith,

and "A stolen Poem by Mary Oliver". I need to check out Mary Oliver's poetry. This poem, "The Journey", could be a word picture of the place I am in my life's journey right now. I've listened to the voices of others saying "do this, do that" for so many decades. It's time for me to find out what MY voice sounds like!

Embracing solitude

2010-05-30T08:13:00.001-04:00

Sand . Beach . Sea . Nature (Lumière et Solitude)
Originally uploaded by Tiquetonne2067

I've been doing my share of wishing and hoping..... even doing profiles for online dating services a time or two, then quickly deleting them!

Yesterday, somehow, (and I think it's grace at work!) I realized on a gut level that, for now at least, I'm ready to embrace solitude for a while.

Then, yesterday afternoon, I brought myself and a couple of books to the beach. As I was walking along, I noticed a couple taking pictures of one another next to the ocean. I asked if they'd like a picture together. Their faces lit up, and they told me that this was their 30th anniversary, and they didn't have any way to get a picture of them together! It made my heart happy to snap that photo.

Then, I walked away, tears in my eyes, thinking of how what would have been my 30th anniversary had just passed a few months ago.
So, I spent a few moments mourning what could have been, feeling grateful that I can actually FEEL the feelings.

Isolation is what I've practiced in the past......... hiding away in my own little world, eating to numb the pain, afraid to reach out.
Today this feels ENTIRELY different. Somehow, I feel ready to call off the search for "someone to love me", and start loving and nurturing myself. Oh, yes, I'll still reach out to others......... but I'll know that it's OK to be by myself, too.

Being by myself doesn't have to be lonely.

Grace - like wind in a sail

2010-05-22T12:20:00.001-04:00

Barbara Agnes
Originally uploaded by leightonian

I'm reading a book I found in my church library called "To Love as God Loves; Conversations With the Early Church.

I decided to read the book because of this line I read as I flipped through its pages.

"God's grace is more like wind in a sail than it is like lightning."

That said, I'm off to work on the sailboat that is my day-to-day life. Tomorrow being Pentecost, as I hear the telling of God's Spirit coming with the sound of a mighty wind....... I'll be thinking of God's Spirit and a little sailboat.

Reflections

2010-05-17T08:05:00.006-04:00

I found this picture here. I don't have time to write about it, (as I'll soon be late for work!) but the photo intrigued me. Thoughts to follow..

Why did Jesus say

"you must become as a child"?

Reflected here

I perhaps see

an answer

;)

THE answer?

no, probably not!

It's simply the innocence

the trusting, expectant confidence

all is well

Oh, in case you're wondering about the little "wink" along the side....... no it is not part of the poem, but rather just a way to politely ask Blogger to leave a space between the verses!

If anyone knows a better way to ask Blogger to leave a space, please share!

A Stroke of Insight

2010-05-16T08:16:00.002-04:00

I've been meaning to write about the book "A Stroke of Insight" ever since I put it up as my first Shelfari item.

My niece had HELLP syndrome, and a brain hemmorage, the day she delivered her first beautiful baby girl in March.

She is recovering beautifully, little by little, one day at a time. Her recovery is just amazing, and Scott found wonderful hope and guidance in this book!

I decided to read the book so that I would have more understanding of what is happening with Lisa. First of all, I'd highly recommend this reading for anyone in the position of caring for a stroke survivor! Jill Bolte Taylor is a brain scientist, and she tells about her stroke, and her amazing 7-year recovery from that stroke. Her words of wisdom for the caregiver have guided Scott as he's helped his wife recover!

Secondly, let me tell you, this book is an amazing, easy-to-read book that showcases the plasticity of our brains, and I've found alot of hope for myself in the pages of this book.

Leaving the change up to God

2010-05-02T06:51:00.002-04:00

Change.
Originally uploaded by flightlessXbird

It's not something I talk about often, but I'm a person who used to cope with life, stuff my emotions, and barely survive by eating til I was stuffed. That "worked" until all of a sudden it didn't work. I found myself eating so much that I was up many nights "hugging the porcelain", and that didn't work for me!

So, I'm OA, and am I ever grateful for the 12 Steps! I'm finally learning how to face my stuff instead of stuffing my face.

To paraphrase a recovery reading that has stuck with me for 2 days: I'm thankful that recovery is giving me the vision to realize that I don't have to change the world, others, situations, or even myself; I'm responsible for "doing the footwork" -- change is God's domain!

That's an idea that I can use in every situation. No, I don't sit around wishing and hoping for change; I do what I can, which is to work towards that change. I can accomplish so much more, and be much more joyous in the task, knowing that my best IS good enough, as long as I can let go and trust God for the changes needed.

Doing small things with great love

2010-04-25T07:52:00.004-04:00

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.
Originally uploaded by life through the lens (simple effulgence)

Just for today, I'm going to try being kind to myself.

Hallmark makes a set of post-it-notes called "Faith Notes... 100 Heavenly Ways to Say "I Care". I've had one on my bathroom mirror for a while now. It says "Every day we are called to small things with great love." -- Mother Teresa.

I've been reading that for weeks, trying to embody that in my actions towards others. All of a sudden, this morning, I realized that I first need to treat myself that way, too.

So, with love, I'm off to pour myself a cup of coffee.

Falling apart?

2010-04-23T07:29:00.002-04:00

Oh, dear..... what a week it has been!

I must have been going on adrenaline during tax season. Now my body is telling me off!

I knew during the season that my back was hurting more and more as I sat through two jobs.
Now, my back is so much worse! And, here I wait for the result of X-rays to see what's next.

Then, last night my knee popped in a not-so-funny way, and IT hurts as I sit, and sometimes leaves me hobbling when I start walking. Wow.

What am I learning from all of this?

Be gentle with myself?
DON'T DO THE SECOND JOB AGAIN NEXT YEAR?
Learn to see the humor? (Getting grumpy about it just makes it worse!) I never have liked being grumpy. :~)

Ah, I remember my sister saying life begins at 50........... I hope it doesn't just fall apart at 51!
Only kidding, I know that this, too, shall pass.

Finally out of the tax season fog

2010-04-18T00:29:00.002-04:00

Finally, finally, April 15 has come and gone. I worked in a tax return office this season, in addition to my full-time job. It took every bit of my energy to get through those 3 1/2 months! Will I do it again next year? How do I answer that question?

Can I use the money? That's a resounding YES.
Can I afford to put my body, mind, and spirit through the paces again?

My body --- I have developed an aching back from, I think, sitting all day and then again all evening.

My mind --- well, I think it did me good to learn all that I learned.

My spirit --- well, taxes are just plain TAXING on the spirit. There were some days, yes, when
I felt like I was really HELPING people through a tough time, and on those days I
left feeling uplifted. More often, though, I was just ready to go home.

One thing I've learned lately is that there are ALWAYS choices. Sure, money is an on-going issue in my life, as it has been ever since my ex decided, over 6 years ago, that he wanted his sweet-thing on the side more than he wanted our marriage and family. Sometimes I get so angry when I think about that............ (that's when I need Roberta's latest post over at Spiritually Directed!)........ but I soon slap myself on the head and remind myself that in every other way, I am SO much better off since the divorce!

Well, here I am up WAY too late. I've missed the blog-world!

Oh, and getting back to blogging isn't the only thing I've accomplished today. I also spent HOURS starting to get my yard back into shape, or at least I almost have it mowed, anyway! :~)

Easy Does It

2010-01-01T23:16:00.004-05:00

Twice in two days I have heard an old Frank Sinatra song with the lyrics "Easy Does It". Could it be that those are the words I need as I start this New Year???

Indeed, my default mode is to overthink things so much that I become stressed and frozen. Then, I end up doing nothing until the last possible moment, and rushing headlong into the things I need to do!

Yes, I'm grateful for the message "Easy Does It". Just keep doing the next right thing, one thing at a time! Who me, one thing at a time? I'm usually doing at least 3 things at a time!

What can be easier than getting up in the morning, entrusting myself and those I love to God's care, and then just doing one thing at a time?

Sounds like a plan!

New Year's Resolutions??? Not Me!

2009-12-30T22:25:00.001-05:00

Baby New Year
Originally uploaded by aranem

As the year rolls away, will you find me making New Year's Resolutions? NO!!!

It IS tempting to do it, but I agree with Mark Twain, who said:
"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing."

OK, one might say that a good resolution is a promise TO DO something! Well, that doesn't work for me, either......... because the premise of the resolution is to do it all year long. That is just too much pressure for me. One day at a time is all I can handle.

So, here's wishing you a safe and happy New Year's Eve, and, one day at a time, a blessed and peaceful year of 2010.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T01:48:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas to all, and peace each day of the year to come.

I have a special place in my heart for small choirs (because I've sung in small choirs since the 4th grade). I'm not sure how others make You-tube videos show up directly on their blog, so I'll just include a link to a wonderful small-choir version of Gesu Bambino. Let us adore Him, absolutely!
Enjoy!

YouTube Gesu Bambino

Stone Walls

2009-12-06T19:13:00.005-05:00

Stone Walls
Originally uploaded by DigitalLyte

An amazing "aha" moment happened for me this past Friday during my Advent candle-lighting devotion. The scripture was Isaiah 58: 6 - 9. Here's verse 6 in the Contermporary English version:
"I'll tell you what it really means to worship the LORD. Remove the chains of prisoners who are chained unjustly. Free those who are abused!"

What does that have to do with a stone wall? Well, I have this tendency to build a wall around my inner self when I've been hurt; trying to protect myself from being hurt again. Let me tell you, that doesn't work! It just turns me into a prisoner of my own making. I've been building that wall again lately, and reading this reading woke me up to the fact!

The rest of the reading:
"Share your food with everyone who is hungry; share your home with the poor and homeless. Give clothes to those in need; don't turn away your relative. Then your light will shine like the dawning sun, and you will quickly be healed. Your honesty will protect you as you advance, and the glory of the LORD will defend you from behind. When you beg the LORD for help, he will answer, "Here I am!"

I can already feel the healing in my spirit. What a joy!

Oh, and if you click on the photo, you'll see the original post on Flickr, along with the lyrics to Jim Croce's song "Stone Walls". Jim Croce, and perhaps the person posting on Flickr, must have felt just like I feel!

Advent Is Here!

2009-11-29T19:11:00.003-05:00

Advent is here! I have never had my own Advent wreath at home, and this weekend I decided that this is my year to create one! Yes, I know this is not a traditional wreath, but it is my own design, and the candles are all there. I will keep looking for a rose-colored candle, but if I can't find one, then four purple candles it is!

This feels like just what I needed to bring light, warmth, and joy to my home this year. December will be my third month living without my children in the house, and it has been challenging to keep the house feeling like a home. Each evening, I'll be lighting the candle, saying some prayers and reading a scripture.

To each of you who read this, I wish you peace, "shalom", this Advent season.

Refrigerator Art!

2009-11-27T21:59:00.002-05:00

Ah, there's nothing quite like the joy of having refrigerator art again!

This art is courtesy of my great-niece Charlotte! I spent Thanksgiving Day with Charlotte and her family. This is one of the pictures that Charlotte gave me to bring home with me. I'm so blessed!

I told Charlotte how much I love butterflies, so here is a picture of "Aunt Evey" on a magical butterfly ride! I am so blessed to have the love of Charlotte and her little brother Daniel. What a joy to have hugs aplenty, and hysterical games of "Slamwich". (If anyone is looking for a FUN, inexpensive game for families with kids 5 - 8 years old or so........... I highly recommend the game, available at Barnes & Noble.)

This Thanksgiving, I'm definitely grateful for the love of children!

Unexpected Curves on Life's Journey

2009-11-22T22:44:00.003-05:00

Every Day Is A Winding Road
Originally uploaded by ElWanderer

Talk about some curves! Here are some of the ways my life has been turned upside down in the past few weeks:

1. My son was in an auto accident. He braked to miss a deer on the road, lost control, and slammed into a telephone pole. Thankfully, he's alive! He has his broken jaw wired shut, a broken nose, broken bones around his eye, and a broken collar bone. I drove the 3 hours to go see him last weekend in the hospital. It was hard to see him in that shape, and harder still to leave to drive back home!

2. A long-time close, supportive friendship seems to have ended. What more can I say, than to say that this hurts. This was the friend I would have called first when I learned that my son was hurt. I've heard that when one door closes, another will be open. The trick is to avoid staring for too long at that closed door. I've been finding myself doing my share of staring back, though. Maybe I need to, just for a little while, so that I can feel my feelings of grief over the lost relationship.

3. Speaking of open doors......... I've actually been on my first date since 1979! You see, I was married in 1980 and divorced in 2004. Since then I've been finding healing in many ways. On the very same day that I learned of my friends desire to back away from our friendship, I was introduced to a charming man, who later asked me out on a date! Can you imagine how exciting AND how scary it can be to start dating after 30 years!!!!!!! Whew!

So, for now, one day at a time, I'll keep trusting that God is not surprised by any of the changes along this curvy journey I'm taking. Whatever comes, I'm not alone.

Oh, by the way, this picture came from Flickr....... if you click on it, it will link to the original post. My understanding is that it's OK to post with a link. :~)

About the Charter for Compassion.....

2009-11-14T11:34:00.002-05:00

I learned about the Charter for Compassion from Bonnie at Original Art Studio. I can't explain it any better than Bonnie has...... so please check out her post! As I see so much more polarization in the world, I'm thrilled to spread the word about a group that is promoting something different, and giving voice to words I've felt but didn't know how to say.

Charter for Compassion

2009-11-14T11:20:00.001-05:00

Ch ch ch CHANGES

2009-11-12T07:47:00.002-05:00

First, I must say a big THANK YOU to Jayne for suggesting the simple tiara as a costume. It worked! Queen for a couple of hours, I had fun.

Then, oh my, my world has been rocked. If you want to see a picture of how upside down my little world has felt, then watch this amazing rock slide HERE. I'll have to post more about it later, when I've had time to gain some perspective. For today, that's my goal. Keep breathing, keep letting love and faith guide me, (including loving myself just as I am.......... I've found that to be so important!) and learn the lessons life is teaching me right now.

I've had a little bit of help in finding perspective, thanks to Roberta's camera lens HERE.
Oops, just heard my clock chiming. It's time to go to work!

About masks..........

2009-10-08T22:11:00.002-04:00

Well, it's October, and the monthly gathering of my "Wild Women's Gaming Group" (the game usually being Rummikub!) is insisting no admittance without a costume! I ALMOST declined to go, because-
1. I have a church women's event on Saturday, and I really need to spend some time doing housework during the weekend, and
2. I'm intimidated by the thought of figuring out a costume.

Then, I remembered how much fun I have at these gatherings, and how important it is to me to nurture my relationships with my friends.... and I tried to imagine how I would feel doing housework while the gals are having fun. So, I'm going!

So what's with me and my dislike for Halloween costumes? Well, for one, creativity is NOT my strong suit. The bigger thing is that I just don't like masks any more! I spent SO many years wearing a mask all of the time. I had a mask for any occasion! I'd walk into a room, survey the mood, and pull out the appropriate mask. It's like I was living the Santana song "Tell me just what you want me to be..........".

It feels SO good to be living without the masks! Imagine the freedom of feeling however I want to feel, instead of trying to figure out what I "should" be feeling and then trying to pretend. You see, in my masked days, I walked around numb and emotionless. Life happened TO me; I didn't live. Now, I can FEEL my feelings, and I've learned how to "mean what I say, say what I mean, just don't say it mean!" The grammar is awful, but the saying is memorable.

So, putting on a costume is a challenge for me..... and funds are limited. I thought about putting on white face paint, wearing black, and being a mime. That sounds easy..... but, I just don't know about covering my face like that! Sigh.............

I'll be sure and post whatever I decide to "be". Most importantly, behind that costume, I'll still BE myself!

The gift of a sunrise

2009-09-20T22:58:00.002-04:00

A few friends and I spent the weekend at a beach house this weekend. Towards the end of the week, the weather forcast was rain, rain, and more rain. Then, on Friday I read that unusually high tides would possible flood roads at the beach. This trip had been planned for MONTHS!

I'm very grateful that the weather was just perfect! I love going to the beach at this time of year! And, it only rained once.

This morning I woke up while it was still dark, looked at the time, and rolled over to go back to sleep. Then, I started getting this urge to get up, and go see the sunrise! I suddenly felt the excitement of a little child who was excited and exuberant about a surprise gift.

I did get out of bed, and wrapped up and went to the beach (we were only a few feet away!). I was sitting there watching the stars, thinking of the Bible verse about waiting for God like a watchman waits for the morning. That verse came to life for me in a new way. I've always thought of it as the watchman thinking that the night would never end. Today I thought about how there was absolutely NO DOUBT in my mind that the sunrise would come right on schedule.

The sunrise was a beauty, as there were clouds in the sky adding drama to the picture. I stood there by the water and sang "How Great Thou Art", feeling very grateful for my unexpected gift of seeing the sunrise over the ocean. Then, right on cue, when the sun was up, the rain started!

Oh, and I had one more gift! I went to a 6:30 p.m. church service this afternoon. What was the prelude so magnificently played? You might have guessed............ "How Great Thou Art".

Yes, indeed, God is great, and, somehow I think He had a hand in my awakening to see His handiwork in the sunrise. God DOES know how to give good gifts to His children.

A brand new look

2009-09-20T16:30:00.002-04:00

Well, I've finally changed my blog layout. What do you think? I've been admiring the backgrounds on other blogs, but could never find one that suited ME (except, of course, for the same ones I'd seen on other blogs.

Thanks to One Small Blog (you can click on their link on the top left of this page, if you're interestd)!

A candle of the Spirit

2009-09-10T22:31:00.003-04:00

Found at Reverent Irreverence (along with a beach picture beautiful enough so that I can feel the sand between my toes, and a few posts down, a recipe for Vicar's Chicken that I will absolutely HAVE to try!)

Give me a candle of the Spirit, O God, as I go down into the deeps of my being. Show me the hidden things, the creatures of my dreams, the storehouse of forgotten memories and hurts. Take me down to the spring of my life, and tell me my nature and my name. Give me freedom to grow, so that I may become that self, the seed of which you planted in me at my making. Out of the deeps I cry to you, O God.” --Prayer at night by Jim Cotter

I do need a candle of the Spirit today. My life has been so full of changes and challenges! For now, rest is just what I need. Have you ever thought about the difference between "sleep" and "rest"? There are some mornings when I feel like I've worked all night, even though I've slept.

Praying for peace and rest for each of us. . .

Progress....... even if it's S-L-O-W

2009-08-18T20:36:00.002-04:00

"Never discourage anyone...who continually makes progress, no matter how slow." --- Plato

OK, now that I've read that quote from Plato, I'm ready to keep on posting to this blog!

Continual is NOT the same as continuous. CONTINUAL means recurring often, or repeated regularly and frequently. CONTINUOUS means unceasing. So, I'm continually sharing my thoughts on this blog. Even if that seems to have dribbled down to once a month!

That said, I do hope that we find a way to encourage our politicians to make SOME progress on healthcare reform this year. I'm encouraged that the debate is taking place. My prayers are for wisdom on the part of the lawmakers.

I've had an al-anon setback this month. My son lost his job, in part due to his drinking. That was quite a blow! So, what can I say, except that he's old enough to make his own decisions and live with his own consequences. My heart aches, though. I know that my son has a "Higher Power", and that sure isn't me. I just keep praying and trusting, one day at a time!

Meanwhile, my Spanish classes are over.... what a joy they have been! Now, it's on to tax preparation classes two nights a week. I've got a set of Spanish CD's to listen to as I commute. I don't want to lose what I've learned! One important phrase I've learned is "mas despacio, por favor"............. which means "more slowly, please". Have you ever tried to understand a foreign language being spoken as quickly as Spanish is spoken???? I don't hear that fast!

I'm so grateful that my life lessons are taught at a speed I can handle. So, I'll take Plato's advice, and try not to be discouraged, because sometimes my progress seems S-O S-L-O-W!

Signs of new life

2009-07-14T23:33:00.003-04:00

I've been in the "waiting" mode lately. I haven't really been sure WHAT to write, so this blog has been bemoaning Father's Day for almost a month now.

One of my favorite quotes is "Be still, and know that I am God". That's what I've been doing this past month, helped along by a hurt knee! It's amazing how, now that I'm FIFTY years young, I can simply walk down some steps, hear a pop, and be in for 2 weeks of increasing pain! My knee is better now..... but it will be a LONG while before I think about wearing heels again!

I've started attending a Spanish class, and I'm actually excited about it! I studied Spanish in Jr. High and High School, and I just loved the language. I dreamed of being a translator (back then my dream was at the United Nations!), and I've got an inkling that perhaps there will be a way for me to live that dream on a smaller scale in the future. WOW!

I've spent so many years just "watching life happen TO me", that actually thinking about a dream is a HUGE sign of new life for me.

Imagine that........ this feels like a little miracle.

Father's Day........... sigh

2009-06-21T14:02:00.002-04:00

Father's Day doesn't do much for my state of mind these days.

Let's see, I can think about my own father, who lives a 10-hour drive away, and with whom I have a perfunctory relationship..... or I can think about the father of my children, who lives nearby, but has NO relationship with his (and my) children. That one hurts more than thinking of my own father. Is it because I feel guilty over having chosen such a self-centered man as the father of my children? In my defense I'll say that he put up a pretty good front before we were married.

My "children" are adults, so I don't feel the need to insist that they contact their father on Father's Day. Even if I felt the need to insist, they would most certainly NOT feel the need to comply........ you know how that goes!

I DID call my father, and had a pleasant chat. That's good, I guess. I wish I had the nerve to ask him some important questions, such as "are you ready now to tell me about your memories of my mother?", or "how did it feel to have your wife first become disabled and then die, as you had five children to care for?" Alas, that subject has been absolutely TABOO for 45 years now. Sadly, I don't want to talk much if we can't talk about that.

To end this post on a happier note, I DO have a heavenly Father, and I am so grateful that I can talk to that Father about anything and everything!

The "art quote" of the day -- FINISHING THE THOUGHT!

2009-06-16T23:15:00.002-04:00

Well, I really lost my train of thought there, didn't I?

And, now the art quote isn't even THERE any more. To paraphrase, it said that art must first be gentle and then honest.

Well, for me, gentleness with myself doesn't come naturally. I'm working on that! Honesty without gentleness, when dealing with changes that I need to make in my life......... well, that just turns into downright meanness. I prefer gentleness these days, thank you........... I've had quite enough of the other.

Tragedy on the way to the beach.......

2009-06-16T22:53:00.002-04:00

An old acquaintance of mine died on the highway this weekend, and her son died, too.
It's weird how, when I first saw the report of the accident in the paper, I somehow knew in the pit of my stomach...... that someone I knew had died there.

Later, I found that the names had been released. There, unmistakably was a fellow "soccer mom" with whom I had cheered on the sidelines. She was one of those people who put their all into life, and it showed! We have crossed paths many times over the years, and we've always been happy to see each other and "catch up" on our children's lives. Her son, who played soccer with my son, is now motherless and brotherless. Her daughter, who, as a toddler, played on the sidelines with my daughter, and who graduated high school with my daughter just one year ago,..... her mother and brother are gone.

The road where they died is on the way to the beach. I travelled that way tonight, and almost started crying as I passed the place where the terrible accident happened. Yes, the road has been cleared........ no sign of the tragedy is left. I imagine my trips to the beach will be just a little bit different now. As I come to that curve in the road, I hope I'll pause and remember a dear lady whose smile was contagious. She shouted encouragement to her son, and to mine. As I pause, I hope I remember to pray for the "children".... ahem, the young adults, who are left with only a memory of their mother and brother.

May light perpetual shine upon them.......... and may peace be with those they left behind.

Ahhhh, the beach!

2009-05-31T00:11:00.002-04:00

Well, we have had rain, rain and more rain for the past few weeks.
This weekend, we have SUNSHINE!

At last, I found my way to the beach. The beach is "my place" for rejuvenation. I feel so much better now. There's something about soaking up the sun, picking up seashells, breathing in the salt air, and feeling the sand between my toes that is pure joy for me!

People-watching at the beach is a joy, too. I just LOVE to see toddlers chasing the waves, young adults playing bocchi or tossing a ball around in the surf, people in love walking hand in hand.... in a world all their own.

Yes, today was truly a gift!

A blog worth reading.........

2009-05-08T23:30:00.002-04:00

I've discovered a blog that is truly worth reading......... thoughtful, beautiful writing. You can find it at "A Song Not Scored for Breathing". Enjoy!

Be Brave

2009-04-27T12:38:00.002-04:00

I found this "be brave" badge over at "Things that Make Me Say"

If you click on the badge (to your left) you'll go to a blog page explaining the "be brave project".

I'm just at the stage of THINKING ABOUT participating. More to follow......................

Falling, and getting back up

2009-04-24T23:07:00.004-04:00

Every once in a while, I feel myself falling into the "blahs". That happened today, and writing this poem helped!

Feeling
Anxious,
Lonely,
Listless,
Irritable --
Needing
Grace......

Say to myself
This doesn't have to be!
Own your anger;
Put it in its place!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Make room for God's grace
OUT with guilt and with shame
Vent your true feelings, then
In no time at all
New energy returns
Giving joy with each step

Oh, may I remember this little rhyme
Next time my emotions are on the decline!

Anger is one emotion I just don't want to face! I learned early on that the only safe thing was to turn it inward onto myself. I hope I can remember this poem, and stop the insanity!

How will I respond today?

2009-03-29T06:54:00.002-04:00

In "Eternal Echoes", a beautiful poem leaves a haunting question "won't you please respond?"

You can read the poem here.

I can hear Jesus' words: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. . ."

My response today............ "come into my heart Lord Jesus, there is room in my heart for Thee".

What a moment of grace!

A time of letting go....... continued

2009-03-27T23:01:00.003-04:00

Well, it's been a whole month since my post about Lent being "a time of letting go".

So far, it has indeed been a time of "letting go" for me. Here's a list so far:

My adult son has moved out of my house, and become financially independent of me! So, I've let go of the need to "mother" him. Now, he has actually had me over to his house that he shares with 2 other guys, and they MADE DINNER FOR ME! What a joy!

I have a lifelong "survival skill" that has become quite a liability for me. That skill is turning my anger inward. Last week I realized that holding onto that coping mechanism is causing me WAY too much pain. I wrote a "thank you and good-bye" letter to that way of handling anger. So, I've let it go, and now I'm taking baby steps toward finding a healthier way that works for me. It's time!

After almost 3 years of working a 12-step program to help me stop eating compulsively, I've finally admitted that, yes, foods made with white flour are like poison to me. So, I'm letting go of those foods, with God's help......... I know I can't do it with willpower alone..... one day at a time.

All of this letting go is making room for a sense of joy in living, and I am so grateful today!

A Tale of Two Kittens

2009-03-08T14:54:00.002-04:00

Well, first there were 4 kittens born on December 30. What bundles of joy they are!

About 2 weeks ago, one kitten found a home with the friend of a friend. This dear lady had suffered the loss of her husband and 2 cats within 3 months. I'm so grateful that our little kitten is able to bring some joy and companionship to her home! Her resident cat didn't even mind. :~)

I've been telling everyone (I thought) about these sweet kittens that needed a home, to no avail. Last night I bought a digital camera. I, the technologically-challenged one, was planning to spend the afternoon learning how to upload pictures to post on Craig's list.

I'm happy to say that God had other plans! I arrived at choir practice, and a fellow choir member asks "does anyone know someone that has kittens?"! She must have been absent from choir when I asked there if anyone wanted a kitten.

The story gets more amazing! Another choir member just happened to have a car full of cat supplies (litter box, litter, toys, etc.) that she was planning to donate to the humane society this afternoon.

So, this afternoon, two little boys are thrilled to have two new kittens at their house, and no need to go out and buy all of the kitten supplies! Praise be to God!

Yes, I'm sad that my dear little "Winky", the tuxedo cat with only one eye, has left me. I'm so grateful that she has a loving home! I still have one fluffy kitten, and I think I'll keep him.

Whew, I'm SAVED from having to learn how to upload pictures this afternoon!

Who knows, maybe one day I'll learn how to do it, and will be able to post a picture or two now and then.

Lent - a time of letting go . . .

2009-02-25T21:43:00.002-05:00

It's quite a shock to walk into my church on Ash Wednesday.

In the place of silver and brass, there is wrought iron. The wrought iron candlesticks with their simple pillar candles are beautiful in their own way.

When I was young, I thought Lent was "so depressing". Now, I'm learning to appreciate the time to stop and reflect.

My pastor sends a "mid-week musings" e-mail. In the e-mail, he encourages us to share the message with our friends.

Today, he said, in part .... " Lent is not so much about giving up or taking on as it is a season of letting go. Letting go of our pride, our fear, our sins and our prejudices in order that we make room in the deep recesses of our souls for Jesus Christ through the power and wisdom of the Holy Spirit."

This Lent, I want to make room.............. as in the old hymn: "Come into my heart, Lord Jesus, there is room in my heart for Thee."

It's Lent. It's time to quiet my mind, and open my heart.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T08:30:00.004-05:00

Today is Valentine's Day. To those of you who are blessed with romantic love in your life, enjoy!

Today, I'm trying not to focus on the love that I don't have (even as I sit here in tears). Today, I'm asking God for healing for the broken parts of me that have such a hard time accepting love.

I'm learning that "trying NOT to do something" just doesn't work. If you don't believe me, well then take a moment and ask yourself NOT to think of the color purple. It just simply brings purple into my thoughts more and more!

For today, where is love in my life?

Christ's love is always present, as he says "behold, I stand at the door and knock"........ today I'll open the door to my heart.
As I remember the agony of all of the Valentine's Days at work, seeing all of the flowers on others' desks............ I choose to remember with gratitude the co-worker who placed a small plant on my desk one year........... Ginnie, you're an angel.
I've been blessed with a group of friends, and our friendship is a gift indeed, whatever is happening in our lives.
My children.......... both my daughter who freely shows her love, and my son, whose love is there, though often hidden behind the young macho man image!
The plentiful pets in my house at the moment: my sweet older dog Megan, who now needs help getting up in the bed with me; Midnight, the cat whom my children found wandering the street as a kitten; Midnight's FOUR six-week-old kittens; Ronnie, my daughter's new rambuncious puppy.
My two sisters, who are an inspiration and a strength to me, across the miles.
My niece Kate, and her two adorable children! They have moved closer to me (it only takes 5 1/2 hours to drive to see her!), and we're discovering a new, richer relationship

So, today I'm celebrating a different kind of Valentine's Day. Love is all around me, and that's what I'm celebrating today! Oh, and yes, I AM grateful that just for this year, it is SATURDAY, so I don't have the challenge of all of the flowers delivered to others at work! :~)

Happy Valentine's Day!

An amazing friendship ..... dog and elephant!

2009-01-13T17:54:00.002-05:00

Thanks to "I'm Still Me" blogging at Welcome to my World , I've seen the most AMAZING animal friendship story. It's worth the read, and the short video, from CBS News. If you're interested, follow this link to "The Animal Odd Couple" .

May we each have friends (and BE friends) as loyal as this elephant!

Friendship, caring, disagreement

2009-01-10T12:54:00.002-05:00

Friendship, caring, disagreement..............

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts I've received in my life.

Over 22 years ago, a my friend moved in next door to me. Somehow, we bonded immediately. Later she told me that she probably wouldn't have even talked to me if we didn't both have our dogs to "kick off" the conversation.

What a gift her friendship is! She now lives halfway across the United States, and yet, thanks to affordable cell phone rates, we keep talking and caring about each other.

Right now, she's (understandably) in a fury over a situation that's partly political, partly religious.

As for me, when I'm discussing politics, religion, or anything controversial.......... I find it important to try to at least understand ALL sides. So, my conversations tend to take the form of presenting "the others' point of view.

Now, this is becoming difficult. I love this friend, and want to keep the conversation going. Right now, she can ONLY talk about this issue. She says that if I'm "not with her, then I'm against her". Sigh.

So, for now, I'm supporting her in her passion, and helping her brainstorm things that SHE can do to speak out for her cause. I'm saddened, though, because she feels that if I don't speak out about her issue MYSELF, then I'm not being her friend.

This world is FAR too divided, on so many issues.

So, do I stop presenting the other side's view when I'm talking to her?
Do I request that we just DON'T talk about that issue, when it's her passion?
Do I stop calling? I KNOW that's not what I want to do.

No, there don't seem to be answers. I've come to distrust anyone who says "WE (or I) HAVE THE ANSWER!" I'm learning that sometimes it's OK to just have questions.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-03T07:48:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year!

Inspired by Jayne at JOURNEY THROUGH GRACE, I've been looking back through my blog this year.

I started this blog on February 21, so I don't have quite a year. It's been a year full of challenges, joys, and one hurricane that was too close for comfort.

For my blog, it's been a year of starts and stops........ one step forward, then plop, down I fall! Well, I am just a baby in the blogworld, aren't I? The good news is that I keep getting up and trying again......... and there's joy in the process!

Looking back through the year helped me realize a few things that are true for me.

Looking for the beauty and joy in each day is IMPORTANT for me!
I miss writing poetry......... I find my voice there
I've found inspiration, hope, and joy in following others' blogs....... thank you all!
Being still, and opening my heart to God, will keep me grounded, and I'll find strength and guidance through any challenge

So, Happy New Year, my friends!

A song to sing

2008-12-30T22:06:00.002-05:00

I bought a Mary Engelbreit desk calendar yesterday, with a quote for each week along with her sweet artwork.

This week's quote is a Chinese proverb: "A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song." What a beautiful thought, especially for these days when there are so many more questions than answers.

I wonder if it's a "coincidence" that I woke up this morning with a song in my heart and on my lips! What a wonderful way to start my day.

This evening my son's cat gave birth to kittens, and this was the first time I've seen a birth (except for my own children, of course!)..... what a joy!

Soon, of course, we'll have the not-so-easy task of finding homes for the kittens. Meanwhile, this should become quite a lively household!

Have a wonderful New Year!

Hope

2008-12-20T00:08:00.002-05:00

Hope is the thing with feathers
that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.
--Emily Dickinson

Why does the "thing with feathers" in this poem sing the tune without the words?

It struck me today that the music of hope is never lost................ even when words escape us.

Where do I hear the song of hope today?
Or, am I lost in the cacophony of the endless cycle of bad news over the airways?

Today, I want to take some time, turn off all of the noisy electronics, quiet my mind.......... and open my heart to hope. I can remember being young, and teachers saying excitedly "shhhh... we have to be quiet to hear the beautiful sounds of nature". I want to capture that quiet of expectancy........... so I can hear the beautiful song of hope.

I want to share the experience with you, too. Do you hear what I hear?

My almost-a-month without a computer!

2008-12-13T22:30:00.002-05:00

Whew, I am now the owner of a brand new computer. I am so thankful!

I have missed my blogging friends! Yes, I did say "friends", didn't I? Keeping up with each other through blogs is not quite the same as gathering around the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, but it is definitely a gift in my life!

So, what have I been doing this month? Well, I've been BUSY attending classes preparing me to be a "tax professional" this income tax season. Then, as soon as I got my computer up and running this morning (it took me 3 hours!!!!) I sat down and did some computer-based training.

Speaking as one fluent in "instant gratification via the credit card", I'm SO happy that I held out for real money to buy the computer. I can now attest that I CAN WAIT!

Then, as a testimony to God's perfect timing, a man who specializes in "hauling off junk, and finding ways to recycle" came knocking on my door this morning. So, he now has my old broken computer, as well as a perfectly good printer that simply doesn't "fit" with Windows Vista.

I feel like I'm almost missing out on Advent this year. I'm grateful for my lesson in waiting, though. Isn't Advent about waiting? "Oh come, oh come Emmanuel"!

Computer Crash!

2008-11-19T12:26:00.002-05:00

I'm suffering from withdrawal!

My computer crashed, and I've been told I just need to get a new computer.

Well, that won't happen til at least the middle of December.................. so I'll really have some catching up to do when I have more than just a few minutes during my lunch hour to keep up with my friends in cyberspace!

Meanwhile, I choose to look at this as a gift of time to concentrate on other things.

A new candle photo!

2008-11-11T23:30:00.002-05:00

Ta Da! A brand new candle photo for my blog!

I've been thinking that the one I had was just TOO DARK!

I think I'll be happy with this new photo (or not...... I can always change!)

What do you think???

"trick" candle

2008-11-11T18:28:00.005-05:00

not just

any candle,

in the store;

you can try-

mightily

trying

ha!

out

I just

keep on

trusting God

through the dark

moments that seem

like they will never end.

Faith holds on till one little spark

brightens my heart and once again

the bright light is shining - God was there all the time!

A Kodak moment -- wish I was good with a camera!

2008-11-03T23:12:00.002-05:00

What a Kodak moment I enjoyed this evening!

The setting -- a very bubbly bubble-bath, and a very curious cat!

Midnight is a female version of Sylvester (of Tweety-bird fame)........ mostly black, with a white tummy, neck, and paws. I've inherited her from my children, who heard her crying outside one night around midnight, and proceeded to hide her in my son's room for a couple of days before letting me know that we had a new member of the family. She was a thin, undernourished kitten way back then. Now, she's a sweet thing who tends to carry her toys around, talk to them, and clean them. Do you think she's behaving like a little girl with a doll, and mothering her toys?

Anyway, she kept batting at the bubbles, looking VERY surprised, and pulling back her paw, shaking it and licking it clean......... with an expression that clearly said YUCK, this doesn't taste good! I had a good laugh, and laughter is definitely good medicine! :~)

"The Secret Life of Bees"....... what a movie!

2008-11-03T22:38:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I went to the movies, which is something I haven't done in a L-O-N-G time! Did you know that weekend matinee prices are now only good for the FIRST movie of the day???

I saw "The Secret Life of Bees", and it touched me on SO many levels. All I can say about the critics is BALDERDASH! Am I the only one whose favorite movies are usually panned by the critics? Then, the movies that win the awards often just leave me shaking my head.

Watching the horrendous treatment of African-Americans less than 50 years ago made my heart ache. No matter your political views, don't you think that it is just wonderful progress that a man who is NOT WHITE is this close to being elected President of the United States of America?

May was a sweet character in the movie.......... who carried with her a terrible sadness, and took that sadness to God by writing it down on a slip of paper, and putting that paper between the stones in a rock wall that she had built. She chose feeling the sadness, then letting it go, instead of choosing to be numb. What an inspiration!

As those of you who have read my blog know, my mother died when I was very young. In the movie, Lilly's mother also died when Lilly was young. She, too, grew up knowing almost nothing about her mother. Near the end of the movie, Lilly was given the gift of the sure knowledge that she had been loved by her mother. I sat there and quietly cried for so much of the movie.

I'm so grateful that I attended the movie with a dear friend, and with my grown daughter (who also loved the book AND the movie!). I was able (for once) to let my emotions out, and allow others to just be there with me.

You just never know when God is going to hand you the gift of a little bit of healing.

I voted!

2008-10-23T22:39:00.002-04:00

What a wonderful idea to allow early voting!

If today's line was any clue, next Tuesday should be BUSY! I do appreciate the privilege of being able to vote. :~)

My friend's mother.......... my mother

2008-10-23T22:07:00.003-04:00

Today I attended the funeral for the mother of a dear friend. In the quiet moments before the service began, I finally, almost 45 years after the fact, said "good-bye" to my mother.

You see, I was 5 years old when my mother made her journey to the other side, and I was too young to know what happened. Then, the topic of my mother was absolutely TABOO for the remainder of my childhood. For years, I've kept that taboo alive...... except for a conversation here or there with my older sister.

As the coffin was closed before the service, I just started crying, feeling the pain of never having said good-bye. A voice in my heart said "you can say good-bye now"....... so that's just what I did.

I'm so sad for my dear friend, in the loss of her mother. At the same time, I'm so grateful for the chance, at last, to say good-bye to mine.

My dear friend had the privilege of being there with her mother, as she died. She told me how special it was for her to be there, singing to her and praying for her.

I came home after the funeral and called my older sister. I asked her if anyone was with my mother. She said, no, that she didn't think any of the family was there. So, now I'm crying again. I'm so thankful that our attitudes toward death and dying have changed, thanks to organizations such as Hospice. My dear friend's mother had the gift of her daughter's presence. My comfort lies in the knowing that my mother was not truly alone........ God was there.

Being real, no matter what

2008-10-11T07:32:00.004-04:00

Life is full of uncertainty and change, isn't it?

Right now, my whole life is in flux!

On the inside, I'm finally learning to access anger, which I've refused to even SEE for decades. Instead, that anger turned into depression. Believe me, this is scary stuff for me! At times I feel like a broken piece of pottery, held together by glue....... and the glue is not holding very well! Ah, but I trust in the process.

On the outside, of course, there's the financial crisis in the world, and the financial instability in my home, as I wait one more month to see if my grown son will "get it together" enough to pay his portion of our joint car insurance policy and pay SOMETHING toward household expenses.

Now, my 94 year old stepmother is in the hospital, and will need to spend some time in a physical rehabilitation facility. My father, who hasn't spent a night away from her in over 40 years, is having trouble coping. He told me over the phone (they live a 10-hour drive away from me!) that, when you get to be his age, (88), you want some stability in your life..... and he's not sure from day to day which of my 2 brothers is going to be able to help him out.

I empathized with him, of course, followed quickly by the thought that when I was a little girl, I needed some stability in my life too. Instead, I was in the care of a stepmother who was a rage-aholic, and I never knew when I was going to do the wrong thing and spark that rage! It's no wonder that any trace of anger in myself scares me enough to bury it! I didn't say any of that, of course!

I titled this post "being real, no matter what", didn't I? Well, the reason for that is that I woke up this morning from a dream in which I was spending this ridiculous (for me) amount of money for some kind of fancy fake fingernails. They looked beautiful, but they were so uncomfortable. I was trying to sing, but couldn't do it very well, because I couldn't get my mind off of those ridiculous fake nails! Part of me wanted them off, but part of me loved the way they looked.

What a high price I've paid most of my life for burying my emotions under a fake smile, no matter what. I don't want that any more. I want to be real. I've been "stuffing my face" to try to hold my emotions below the surface for the past few days. That's not working either.

So, here I am writing, and deciding to trust in God to hold me together. He's the potter, I'm the clay. He created me with these emotions, and God doesn't make junk. I know that God can help me acknowledge these emotions, and at the same time live a life in a loving way.

Staying connected

2008-10-04T22:39:00.003-04:00

Whew- where has the time gone since September 22, when I last posted?

It seems I've been so busy, I've only had time to check out blogs for a few minutes here and there, and NO TIME to write! It's amazing how much I miss my friends in the blog-world!

I've been blessed lately, in that my son now has a SWEET girlfriend, and they are starting to eat some meals with me and play a game of Rummikub or two now and then. My daughter still comes home from college, too. Even when she's there, she calls to keep in touch. I'm so proud of her! She's struggling in biology (who wouldn't?), but she's not dropping the course. Instead, she's getting a tutor, and joining a study group!

It feels SO good to be connected with my kids, even when they don't HAVE TO stay connected.

I have a feeling that God feels the same way when I take the time to be connected to God. I'm starting to see that, as important as prayer is to staying connected.......... it takes more than that to REALLY have a connection with Him. It takes ACTION, by reaching out to others, sharing the love that we've been given.

Last night, I helped with the "Parents' Night Out" at our church. I had been having SUCH a challenging week, and I was feeling absolutely BURNT OUT! You know, as soon as we headed to the playground with the children, I felt like a new person! What a joy! I'm so glad we're doing that! It's a win-win for everyonee. :~)

As summer turns to fall.......

2008-09-22T22:27:00.002-04:00

Ah, the invigorating changing of seasons!

Yesterday I found my way to the beach. It felt like an appropriate way to say "good-bye" to summer!

The beach was DEFINITELY different! Yes, there were a few brave people actually IN the water! My dear friend and I, however, were very grateful we thought to bring sweatshirts!

During the summer, sitting in our beach chairs brings a lovely sense of absolute relaxation as the sun warms us all the way to our bones. Yes, we walk the beach, but even that feels soothing.

Yesterday, there was NO sitting in the beach chairs! We simply walked, watching the birds huddled on the ground with their feathers all puffed out. I was absolutely energized!

So, I say "good bye to summer"......... and I rejoice in the coming of a new season. Yes the pleasures are different. Each day, and each new season, comes bearing its own gift. May we each take the time to "unwrap the ribbons!"

My first try at a MEME

2008-09-18T19:36:00.001-04:00

Thank you for inspiration, Jayne!

I've never done a MEME before, and Jayne asked anyone who would like to particpate to play along.

1.How many songs are on your iPod?
I don't even OWN an iPod!
2. What music would you want played at your funeral?
I would like to end with a hymn that we sing in the Episcopal church..... and I don't know the title, but it has a glorious refrain "And I will raise them up, and I will raise them up, and I will raise them up on the last day!"
3.What magazines do you have subscriptions to?
"Ladies Home Journal", but I hardly read it any more. I also subscribe to "The Week", which is a pretty good weekly overview of what's happening in the world. Lastly, I subscribe to "Heart-Healthy Living".
4. What is your favorite scent?
Lavender
5. If you had a million dollars that you could only spend on yourself, what would you do with it?
Pay off my indebtedness (of course!), go back to college; buy a "downtown" home, so I could walk more than drive my car; buy a hybrid car, have massages and pedicures regularly, and travel regularly to see my far-flung family.
6. What is your theme song?
"Unwritten" ....... because the rest of my life story is still unwritten!
7. Do you trust easily?
Yes.
8. Do you generally think before you act, or act before you think?
Definitely think first, then think again, then question my first thought........ eventually, I act!
9.Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
I was unhappy when the household cat's kitten died. I'm also unhappy about the polarization in the United States, and the fact that campaigns seem to focus on personalities more than on policies!
10. Do you have a good body-image?
No.
11. Is being tagged fun?
Yes!
12. If you had more hours in the day, how would you spend that time?
Exercising, blogging, spending time with friends, cleaning and decorating my house.
13. What have you been seriously addicted to lately?
Watching political coverage on TV, and/or watching Hurricane coverage on TV.
14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Jayne is warm, caring, artistic, and comfortable-in-her-own-skin.
15. What’s the last song that got stuck in your head?
The song I wrote about in question 2. :~)
16.What’s your favorite item of clothing?
My black palazzo pants.
17. Do you think Rice Crispies are yummy?
No. Give me Kashi Go-Lean cereal or good old-fashioned oatmeal any day!
18. If you had $100 to give away, who would you give it to?
The "Rector's Discretionary Fund" at my church.
19. What items could you not go without during the day?
My "nature sounds" alarm clock. It's so nice to go to sleep to soothing sounds, and to wake up to a cheerful bird chirping!
20. What should you be doing right now?
Relaxing! It's been a busy, stressful week so far! (And, this certainly counts as relaxation for me!)

I shall follow Jayne's lead and not tag a soul. Anyone who wants to play along is welcome.
Please let me know if you play!

Anyone hear Glenn Campbell singing "Galveston"?

2008-09-13T20:08:00.003-04:00

I don't remember all of the words to the song, but in the past couple of days I've been hearing Glenn Campbell singing in my memory.

I've never been to Galveston, but today my heart sighs for the people living with their new reality.

The calm after the storm passes

2008-09-07T13:43:00.002-04:00

Well, Hanna passes by my little corner of the world. Whew!

It's surprising to me, now that the rush of preparation is over, how tired I am! God gave us this wonderful gift called adrenaline, that enables us to keep going and going when necessary.

Not only am I tired, but I seem to have lost my sense of direction. Yesterday I woke up without a single notion of what I wanted to accomplish! I decided, with the help of a dear friend, to make it a day of recreation. Have you ever heard that word explained as "re-creation"? My friend and I ate a healthy breakfast together, and then got ourselves to the beach. Hanna left many gifts of shells on the beach. We enjoyed treasure-hunting!

Later that evening, I watched a movie I would definitely recommend for those who enjoy a good character-driven drama. It's called "Autumn Hearts -- a new beginning".

All in all, I feel ready to start the week, with prayers on my lips for all of those who may now be facing Hurricane Ike.

Ready or not.....

2008-09-04T00:44:00.003-04:00

I live on the southeast coast, and my schedule has been VERY BUSY getting ready for Hanna.

I'm very grateful that we have the advance warning, and I cannot imagine how it must have been "in the old days" to have a storm like that arise out of the blue.

That said, the week leading up to a hurricane is SO stressful! In a way, it reminds me of the week before Christmas, when we're all so busy making preparations, and it seems like we're never REALLY ready.

Somehow, this time, I feel a sense of serenity through all the mayhem. I'm doing what I can, and then, it's time to trust in God that no matter what happens to my home and my possessions, my family and I will be OK.

Ready or not.............. here the storm comes! And, then there's Ike. Ah, the price I pay to live near the beach!

I just know I'm not alone.

Finding Balance

2008-08-30T08:58:00.002-04:00

When I think of balance, I remember how as a young girl I loved to walk up higher than the ground. My apartment building had an enclosed area with a tree in the middle, and benches in a square. I loved getting up on those benches and walking (or running!) around and around, jumping from bench to bench. I'd often walk along the curb instead of on the sidewalk, just to enjoy keeping my balance on the narrow space!

My life has gotten BUSY these last couple of weeks! So, how do I find my balance? How do I keep my connections with God and with my friends, take care of myself, AND do the extra work I've added to my schedule?

Some days, I'm energized, as I move from activity to activity, keeping my balance.
Other days, I'm overwhelmed. It doesn't help that I'm a "political junky", and have difficulty tuning out of the drama afforded by this year's election. (Never fear, readers.....this blog is NOT going to turn into a political blog!)

How do I keep my balance? For me, right now, that means making a special effort to be REALLY PRESENT in the activity I'm doing......... whatever that may be. I'm finding a surprise! If I'm with my friends, I'm NOT thinking about classes and the studying I need to do. One night I was having difficulty getting my mind to settle down for sleep, prayer, reading, or anything. I started singing a hymn (and I DO love singing hymns!) There was grace in that moment, and I found my balance again.

There IS joy in the journey right now. I've forgotten how fun it is to walk along a narrow place!

It's all worth it in the end!

2008-08-23T18:21:00.003-04:00

Inspired by Daisybug's poetry, along with her pictures of her laughing baby boy HERE ,
I'm feeling gratitude today for my grown son.
He, too, was a sweet, laughing baby once.
Then, he became a shy, but happy little boy.
Then, sometime during adolescence, the nightmare began.
I know now that the nightmare is called marijuana, which led to, oh so many other problems.
During those years, I was the crazy mother who tried EVERYTHING to make things right, only nothing worked.
Even a month at an expensive treatment center didn't seem to work.
Then, as he turned 18, he found himself in a court-ordered outpatient alcohol program....... and he turned his life around.
Now, at 21, he's a hardworking, polite, fun-to-be-around young man......... and yes, I'm proud.

Yes, it's all worth it in the end!

What a week!

2008-08-23T17:17:00.002-04:00

What a week this has been!

I started out last Saturday by taking Cindy to college. Ah, the exercise one can get when the dormitory is on the 3rd floor! Move-in was a zoo, and somehow the mattress topper got lost in the shuffle. So, we found our way to a nearby Target to get a replacement. (That's AFTER going to the Wal-mart right across the street from the university, only to find that they had NO TWIN X-L BEDDING! -- WHAT ARE THEY THINKING??)

Now, I'm only an hour's drive away from the university.......... but still, imagine my surprise when my daughter called and said "I'm coming back home" that very afternoon! It seems her roommates "didn't even make sure I was awake to go to the barbeque". That was her first lesson in college reality -- you're responsible for waking YOURSELF up! She headed right back the next day, and is doing fine now. :~)

Meanwhile, my girlfriends took very good care of me, and escorted me to the beach on Saturday afternoon. Beach therapy.......... just what the doctor ordered! Aren't friends just the greatest blessing?!

Then, Monday I started my own classes -- I'm taking the H & R Block tax course, so that perhaps I can earn some money to pay for this college education! So far the course is not difficult, but you know, it's been a long time since I had to come home from a long day of work and DO HOMEWORK.

What's next? Well, a sinus infection, thank you very much.

I'm finally feeling human again........

Now, I'm off to check on my favorite blogs! I've missed you all!

"The greatest mistake"

2008-08-11T22:36:00.002-04:00

I found a new "gadget to add to my blog!

Today's inspiration: "The greatest mistake you can make in life isto be continually fearing you will make one."

How many times have I started a post, only to say "naahhhh, that will just be silly!"

How many times have I wanted to branch out and try something new, only to say "I'll just mess it up".

What exactly is SO TERRIBLE about making a mistake? I've heard it said that if you're not making mistakes, then you're probably not doing very much.

Life is too short to keep postponing DOING things because I can't yet do them perfectly!
It takes courage to try anyway....... and a good sense of humor to laugh at myself when I goof!

Some days I'm better at "trying anyway" than other days. You know, I think that I'm happier when I find the courage to take a risk!

Just what my spirit needs!

2008-08-07T13:36:00.003-04:00

I've been wandering around in blogworld, and found a poem that is JUST what my spirit needs!

Sometimes we need to "just BE".

Please follow me to "Spiritually Directed", "Let your God love you".
Thank you, Roberta!

Just for laughs

2008-07-30T23:59:00.003-04:00

For any of you bloggers who need a chuckle, follow me to "Tales from a Cafe Chick"........

You'll find a laugh or two, I'm sure!

Of college and mountains

2008-07-30T23:29:00.002-04:00

Oh, can you see my distress at having neglected this blog for OVER 2 WEEKS!

I just returned from a retreat at Colorado Springs, and I feel SO MUCH BETTER now!

The beauty of the mountains, and especially the "Garden of the Gods", just took my breath away! (The altitude took my breath away a little, too).

So........ let's see what's happened since I last posted! The clock is ticking towards August 16, when my daughter Cindy moves into the college dorm. I'm SO excited for her! We've been to orientation, bought a laptop computer and a "twin XL" sheet and comforter set. She's broken off with her boyfriend, and seems to be just having a great time right now!

As for me, I'm just thrilled to have taken the leap and headed off across the country all on my own! I even did some hiking at the Garden of the Gods. I kind young man took a picture of me on the trail.............. and I have proof that I really did it!

Now, if I could just learn how to post pictures on the blog...................... sigh.

The Reading List

2008-07-13T13:55:00.003-04:00

I found this on The Crimson Rambler : Thank you, Rambler!

My instructions were to post the list on my blog, and enbolden the titles that I have read. So, here they are......... comments welcome. Tell me, my internet friends, is there an absolute favorite of yours here that I need to read?

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Ah, apparently I've not even read 1/3 of the books on this list!
I do hope you'll let me know any of YOUR favorites that I've missed, and I say "thank you" in advance!

By the way, my 3 favorites are:
1. A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens ( I had an EXCELLENT literature teacher when I read this one in school! What a difference a good teacher makes!)
2. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
3. Rebecca - Daphne du Maurier

The leap of faith

2008-07-05T22:17:00.003-04:00

"The leap of faith is not so much a leap of thought as of action. One must. . .dare to act wholeheartedly without absolute certainty." -- William Sloane Coffin

I read this quote in a book today, and then I did some searching on the internet to find out who William Sloane Coffin was. WOW! He was quite the example of an individual lighting one small candle, rather than just cursing the darkness! He was active with the freedom riders in the 60's, and has since then been a voice for social justice in many ways. Some other inspiring quotes from William Sloane Coffin:

"The world is too dangerous for anything but truth and too small for anything but love."

"To be avoided at all costs is the solace of opinion without the pain of thought."

"Clearly the trick in life is to die young as late as possible."

Coffin's word-play on "responsible" truly defines how I yearn to live my life:
"to be responsible -- response-able -- able to respond to God's visionary and creative love".

As soon as I finish posting, I'll be heading to my public library's website, to see if any of his books are available!

By the way, I've made a leap of faith in the past few days.............. I've decided, wholeheartedly, to embrace a friendship that has been on the rocks. Can I be absolutely certain that I won't be hurt deeply again? Well, no. The risk, however, is WELL WORTH IT, to be able to enjoy the riches of friendship. :~)

Celebrating Freedom

2008-07-04T08:51:00.002-04:00

Well, I have neglected this blog, haven't I?

Sometimes, I just need a "time-out" from computer time.

Today, being Independence Day in the U.S.A, I am celebrating freedom!

For me, the freedoms I celebrate today are:

freedom from letting fear rule my life
freedom to be open and real in my relationships
freedom to enjoy the beauty in today.

Each day is a gift............ untie the ribbons!

Alive!

2008-06-17T23:30:00.003-04:00

Finally, my second poem inspired by The Miss Rumphius Effect (see link to her blog in my blogroll!). Her Tuesday Poetry Stretch was to write a poem in the form of a Rictameter.

I have spent most of my years "watching life happen" instead of actively pursuing the life I want.
Just this evening I felt myself slipping into that "I want to hide out from life" state of mind.
I wrote this poem instead! :~)

Alive!
Not just dreaming
And watching life happen
Present in this very moment
Participating fully, engaging
my senses, emotions, actions
Failing, trying again
Not giving up
Alive!

A day at the beach? NOT today!

2008-06-15T22:56:00.002-04:00

Today was NOT the day at the beach that I had planned.

We FINALLY got some rain, so I'm grateful for that! It was getting so dry and dusty around here...... while the midwest is flooding.

I DID get to learn a new game. I played Othello for the first time. If anyone is looking for a challenging, interesting, quick game that is played by 2 people ------- I'd say give Othello a try!
Isn't it nice when we can have our plans change, and yet enjoy the day?!

Feeling like a "grown-up"

2008-06-12T13:46:00.002-04:00

When I started this blog, I noted that my sister always said "life begins at 50".

Well, I'm getting closer and closer to that magic number, and I've had the most amazing feeling today................. I actually "feel like a grown-up"!

I know, I know........ you might say that I've been an adult for years! Somehow, though, I have had this feeling of being an imposter. I spent my whole childhood anticipating the wonderful life I would have when I got away from my abusive household and "became an adult."

Imagine my surprise, when I found out that all of my problems didn't suddenly go away, just because I reached a magic age! I'm finally learning that the coping mechanisms I developed to survive my childhood have NOT WORKED VERY WELL as an adult.

So, after almost 3 years of therapy, and just about that long as a member of a 12-step group, I had the most amazing realization today. I don't feel like an imposter! I feel like an adult! WOW!

Catching up . . .

2008-06-05T23:25:00.002-04:00

It's been TOO LONG since I've posted.

I've been in that proverbial, not-so-fun place called "between a rock and a hard place".

With perseverence, hope, prayers, and lots of support, I'm getting closer and closer to the edge of this difficult place! The view on the other side is breathtaking, too.

Here's a sampling of the things I've learned lately:

Not all surprises in life are wonderful.
Sometimes even the closest of friendships can come apart at the seams.
I CAN deal with difficulties, without running to food or another "drug of choice" for solace.
I've learned how to use a power drill........ and learned how to ask the nice folks at Home Depot for help. They may laugh later, but they didn't laugh at me to my face!
I can cry in front of a friend, and she'll be OK with that!
Even (or maybe ESPECIALLY) when facing big obstacles, it's important to allow myself some rest.
I don't have to face my problems alone, and it's OK to not have all of the answers.
"Be still and know that I am God" is a Bible verse that is easier said than done.
When I do manage to be still and trust in God, I wonder "why didn't I do this sooner?"!

A joy and a challenge

2008-05-25T12:24:00.003-04:00

Today my feelings are so mixed up! I'm joyful, and I'm melancholy. I'm hopeful and I'm feeling insecure.

Today, my daughter and her father are spending some time together! It has been over four years since my divorce, and I've encouraged my daughter to keep in contact with her father. That, however, hasn't happened much at all in the last 3 years or so.

My daugher is now 18, and will be graduating from high school next month. Somehow, it seems that it is now easier for connection to happen between Cindy and her dad. It's an answer to my prayers, and I'm so happy for them both!

Why is it that a little part of me is afraid that she won't want to be a part of my life as much, now that she is becoming part of her father's life? My daughter has so much love to give, I know that she has enough for both of us.

It IS true, however, and an absolutely ESSENTIAL part of her "growing up", that she won't want to be as much a part of my life now. So, I'm melancholy. The letting go isn't easy. My challenge is to accept my feelings for what they are........ part of the human experience....... and a big part of what makes our lives rich, full, and worth living.

Keeping the memory alive

2008-05-18T14:15:00.002-04:00

Today has been an interesting day for me, and for my memories.

My mother died when I was quite young, but I do have a beautiful memory of my mother singing...... and sharing the joy of watching some birds. Maybe THAT'S why I so enjoy the birds today! I've always loved singing, too, especially in church. No matter how low I'm feeling, joining in the singing of hymns brings joy to my spirit.

This morning, while singing a hymn in church, I had the unmistakeable sensation that my mother was singing along. That was quite an experience!

Then, a few minutes ago I was reading Saturday's post over at "Journey of Grace" (the link's in my bloglist!) with some beautiful pictures of roses. As I read about the special person's memory evoked by those roses, I was transported back to Massachusetts, to my Uncle Earle's rose garden, and I was warmed by the memories I have of my dear Uncle.............. the person who brought grace, love, and caring to my childhood.

I think I'm going to have to do some research, and find out if there is such a thing as a rose that is good for a beginner gardener with a serious "brown thumb". Thank you, Jayne, for the inspiration! :~)

Of cats and modems

2008-05-14T18:52:00.002-04:00

Whew! I'm back online!!!!!

Friday afternoon (and today's Wednesday!) my son called to tell me that someone left a drink near my modem. My son has this darling, curious, speedy cat named Midnight. Well, Midnight knocked over the drink, and my thus my modem died.

I tried going to a store and buying a modem. After 6 hours of talking with technical support people who all kept telling me that it was the OTHER company's problem..... I decided to order a modem from my internet service provider.

So, now, with NO phone conversations needed at all, I'm happily back in Google-world! YAY!

just one more post!

2008-05-04T17:42:00.002-04:00

I just HAVE to share this blog post I found!
An udge and a wink, and a thought about how "things come from nothing very much, start from unpromising beginnings, and I am an unpromising beginning, and I could start something too."

What inspiration! :~)

Graduation update

2008-05-04T17:08:00.002-04:00

I just have to say that I'm SO proud of my daughter!

We've moved past the "poor me, my favorite Aunt cannot come". In fact, Cindy received a letter from her Aunt, explaining the news. Now, Cindy plans on writing BACK to tell Aunt Martha that she understands. :~)

It's such a joy to see my caring daughter reach out and give back some of the love she's been given.

Meanwhile, we're moving into the mode of planning a celebration! I don't know what that's going to look like yet, but I trust that it will be something memorable. Instead of racking my brain trying to figure out what would make it memorable for Cindy, I've simply asked HER to tell me!

As a divorced mom, I was also struggling with whether to include Cindy's dad and his family in celebration plans. Why do I always immediately think that I'M responsible for arranging things for him and his family??? I'm NOT MARRIED TO HIM any more! So, I did an amazing (for me anyway) thing. I called him on the phone, told him the date and time of the graduation, and said that if he and his family wanted to celebrate with Cindy, they would need to arrange it with her!

Do I sound like I'm learning what's my responsibility and what isn't? I think so, and, for today, that's a wonderful feeling.

Friendship

2008-05-04T16:54:00.003-04:00

The beauty I have found in this day is the beauty of friendship.

It used to be that I didn't know how to "make friends". I was the girl standing on the edges of the playground, wishing that I could find the courage to try and reach out.

Now, I'm so grateful for the friends with whom I can be REAL! Today I spent some time with just such a friend. We ate lunch and then went for a 2-mile walk. I was able to open up, and share about some of my current struggles, and she was able to do the same. Did we solve all of our problems? Well, no. It was amazing though, how we each helped the other see different possibilities. AND, we got some exercise at the same time! :~)

Hooray for friendship!

A "god" called food

2008-04-29T20:40:00.004-04:00

I finally did it! I've been reading "The Miss Rumphius Effect" blog for a while now, and I kept thinking that SOON, maybe, I'll write a poem for the Monday Poetry Stretch!

This week's topic was "FOOD". Here's my "first time try". It's a limerick about food. Enjoy!

There once was a "god" I called food
It always brightened my mood!
I'm upset, I'd say;
take this feeling away
quickly, or I'll come unglued!

Ah, sweet was the feeling of peace
that filled me after each feast!
What it did to my waist
as I gobbled in haste
Dare I say it? The word is obese!

Now I'm learning to say
take that darn stuff away!
I've had enough
of that fattening stuff;
I'll FEEL my emotions today!

So now food is back in its place
I'm no longer stuffing my face!
I eat what I need
and enjoy it indeed
slowly, for life's not a race!

The economy is hitting home....... sigh

2008-04-28T19:06:00.002-04:00

The economy is hitting home.

In the "big picture", this may seem trivial. In my household, it's not.

My daughter is graduating from high school this June! YAY, Cindy!

Her Aunt Martha (my dear sister!) was planning on flying down from Massachusetts to join in the celebration. Everyone was so excited! Cindy and her boyfriend were going to go camping with Aunt Martha after the graduation. What fun!

Well, to make a long story short, the stock market's woes have hit my sister and her husband in the pocketbook. The good news is, she has found a job! The sad news is, she won't be able to come to the graduation as planned.

My darling daughter has had WAY more than her share of disappointments in life. It was so hard for me to see her disappointment again. What did she say? "It's nothing new".

So, how do I "light a candle" and bring some joy into this picture? Hmmmmm, that's going to take some prayer and some creative thinking.

Running out of gas!

2008-04-25T07:41:00.003-04:00

Today, I just have to share a story about my son!

I am posting early in the morning, which is VERY unusual, because I awakened at 5 a.m. to go pick up my son from work.

Why, you might ask, did he need the ride? On second thought, maybe the title of the post was a clue. (You've gotta remember that it's EARLY!)

My son chose to go to work on an almost-empty tank of gas. The only thing he didn't think about was gravity! As he was climbing up a tall bridge................. sigh.............. he ran out of gas. Then, he made the decision to walk the rest of the way to work, so his car was towed! Ah, the wisdom of a 21-year old with much growing up still to do.

As we were driving home, I told him that one day (probably by the time he's MY age!) he'll LAUGH when he remembers this day. He's not laughing today.

I read an on-line post this morning about solitude, and how important being "face-to-face" with myself and my feelings is so important. For me, taking the time for solitude, and connection with God, is just as important as keeping gasoline in my car! Coasting along through life, I might get by without it for a while. I just NEVER know when I'll run into a steep hill I need to climb. When the unexpected gets here, I definitely want some gasoline in my spiritual tank. :~)

A pair of sneakers, and Spring cleaning!

2008-04-21T22:15:00.004-04:00

This weekend I learned that a simple pair of sneakers can make a huge difference in my day!

I'm housework-challenged, to say the least. I've been receiving e-mails from FLY-Lady, and THINKING about putting some of her ideas to the test in my life.

One of her suggestions is to put on a pair of sneakers and tie up the laces. The suggestion goes on to promise that I'll be amazed at the improvement of my efficiency! Hmmmmmmm, I said. I can't imagine how THAT will make a difference; and I'm so much more COMFORTABLE without my shoes on.

Well, upon returning home from a walk yesterday, I started cleaning my house. I went whizzing from one task to the next with amazing speed. I didn't even REALIZE until later that, yes, I still had my sneakers on with the laces tied!

So, did the sneakers make me more efficient? I can't say for sure. Maybe it was a coincidence. I guess they put some "bounce" in my step! :~) I'll have to test that theory out again! Thank you FLY Lady!

Celebrating Friendship

2008-04-19T12:49:00.003-04:00

It's Saturday!

Today I'm celebrating friendship in so many ways.

One friend, who is starting a new chapter in her life, needed help moving this morning. So, another friend from work and I helped her pack up and bring some things to her apartment. Arriving with some of her cherished items, we had a mini celebration! This afternoon, other friends are helping her get settled when the moving truck arrives with the rest.

In a little while, I'll be heading to another friend's apartment, where the "fearsome foursome" are getting together for some friendly games and a meal. I'm SO grateful to have found a group of friends who enjoy the budget-friendly entertainment provided by sitting around a table and playing games!

When I finish blogging, I'm headed to the library to pick up a book of poetry for 4 voices. I'm hoping I'll find some friends at church who will agree to put together a performance of one of the poems for our upcoming talent show for a good cause. :~)

Friendship is one of the most wonderful gifts I've been given. Today, I'm grateful for friends. What's the best way to have a friend? B-1!

The more you relax, the more you feel

2008-04-17T23:12:00.004-04:00

I'm feeling absolutely THRILLED to be a part of the blog world right now.

I was about to give up on finding the "thing of beauty" for today's post.

"Miss Rumphius Effect" has a Monday poetry stretch each week, inviting blogging poets to share write a certain type of poem to share on Thursday.

One of today's poems was JUST what I needed to read...............
The more you relax, the more you feel , posted by Jeannie on her blog "Things that make me say". This poem certainly qualifies as my daily "thing of beauty".

"When I grow up" (LOL -- really now!) I want to write poetry half as well as Jeannie writes!
Each day, as a person who's in recovery from "stuffing my feelings", I hope I can remember to relax, and FEEL!